“Will you swear not to believe any other god but those we worship, Chaos, Clouds, and flapping Tongue, our trinity?” asks Socrates. Strepsiades confesses the creed and is received into the Thinkery. He begins a soliloquy:
Now to the Thinkery hand I over
this poor body of mine at the first,
to beat, starve, cause to thirst,
to parch, freeze, flay, do your worst.
Help me flee my creditors,
reinvent me to be wise,
a brazen, glib, scheming procrastinator,
a scumbag, hatcher of noble lies,
a slick, smooth-talking prevaricator,
a shyster, tattler, flimflam man,
trickster, dissembler, charlatan,
roué, pariah, troublemaker
moocher, fraud, equivocator;
if I can but graduate cum laude as a phony,
do just what you will with me—
by George, grind me up
and serve me as baloney![7]
Socrates takes Strepsiades inside his school; the Clouds sing and dance their parabasis, the part of the play in which the chorus “turns aside” from the actors to address the audience directly, and to editorialize about the subject or advertise the poet’s abilities.[8] At the end of their dance, Socrates comes out railing about the hopeless stupidity of Strepsiades. He expels the hapless Strepsiades — after the students have stolen his wallet and shoes. But what can Strepsiades do? The Clouds advise him to enroll his son, who is capable of learning.[9]
Strepsiades drags his son Pheidippides back to the school. Socrates meets them and calls to True Speech and False Speech. An actor appears in a wicker cage, dressed as a rooster in a coat of chicken feathers, representing a fighting-cock.[10] “Come here! Show yourself to the audience, if you dare!” he booms toward the door. The rooster is built up with strong muscles, athletic looking. Out of the door of the school peers another rooster figure. He is paunchy and sickly looking, a sneer on his face mask. He slinks out onto the orchestra. “Lead on, as you wish,” says the second in a thin, nasal voice. “I will do you in with my speeches to the crowd.”
“You do me in?” replies the strong one. “Who are you?”
“Speech.”
“False Speech, you mean.”
“But I’ll beat you, who claim to be my better.”
“With what wisdom?”
“By inventing new ideas.”
“I will thrash you.”
“By doing what?”
“By saying what’s right.”
“I will defeat you by refuting your words. For I say there is no Right.”
“No Right?”
“Well, tell me, where do you think Right is?”
“Among the gods.”
“How then if there is Right among the gods did Zeus tie up and do away with his father?”
Greek mythology rears its ugly head.
After some name-calling, the two cocks agree to duel over the correct form of education. True Speech speaks first. Boys should be seen and not heard. They should be well-behaved and learn their lessons, including good music, good manners, and respect for their elders. The chorus of Clouds applaud his noble sentiments, seconded by the audience.
False Speech steps forward, promising to make the lesser cause victorious. What are the advantages of chastity? True Speech cites some rewards from mythology. False Speech counters with the pleasures of wine, women, and song. “Follow nature, eat, drink, be merry! Consider nothing shameful. If you get caught in adultery, say this in your defense: you did nothing wrong. Then refer to Zeus. Even he was bested by the love of women. You, a mere mortal, how can you be expected to be more virtuous than a god?” What kind of people are tragic poets? “Adulterers,” answers True Speech. And public speakers? Adulterers. And the audience? True Speech surveys the crowd. “The great majority are convicted adulterers. He is, and he, and that guy with the long hair,” he says, pointing out individuals in the audience. “I’m beaten,” True Speech cries, and stripping off his cloak, he leaps into the audience to join with the adulterous multitude, as they burst out in applause.
Socrates goes in to his school with False Speech to supervise the education of Pheidippides. The chorus dances out into the orchestra and sings a warning to Strepsiades. They then promise the judges of the dramas that if their play wins, they will send rain and good crops to Athens.
At the end of their performance, Strepsiades announces his fear of the approaching first of the month, when his loan payments are due. He knocks on the door of the school and calls forth his son. Socrates comes out first and embraces Strepsiades, promising him that he will be able to beat any lawsuit brought against him through his son’s arguments.
[7].Aristophanes Clouds 398-402; 423-56.
[8]. See Ehrenberg 1962:32-33. The parabasis of the stage version of the Clouds was replaced in the version revised for publication, allowing the poet to criticize retrospectively the judges for awarding the original play only third place. See Dover 1968: lxxx-lxxxii.
[9].Aristophanes Clouds 509-803.
[10].Aristophanes Clouds 889 ff. The chicken suits belong to the first version of the play (see scholium ΣVE, Dover 1968: xc-xciii. The part of True Speech was rewritten in the revised play; we do not have the earlier version, but the revision at least allows us a glimpse of how it went.